In preparation for the holiday, I noticed a trend in the screenwriting community. A certain excitement in the air. Anticipation. This holiday meant one thing to screenwriters everywhere: time off from the current project in order to work on the other project! YEAH!
Yes, you read that right. And if you're a screenwriter, you're not seeing the problem.
Traditional holidays mean one thing to a screenwriter -- More time to write.
No more, I say! I am hereby declaring:
International Sleep With A Screenwriter Week
July 9th to July 15th, 2012
This worldwide celebration of awesomeness is long overdue. It is well beyond time to shed a light on these unsung heroes and reward them with pleasures far beyond even their twisted imaginations.
Why? Because they never slow down. They never stop. They're always working. So my thinking is, if the world declares a holiday specifically for screenwriters, and tosses in the promise of sexual favors, it might (keyword might) be enough to get screenwriters everywhere to pause from their toil, if only for a brief moment in time, and actually HAVE A REAL FRIGGIN' HOLIDAY.
(Please Note: This post has absolutely nothing to do with my personal quest to get laid. I am being one hundred percent ninety percent eighty-six point two percent altruistic here.)
It's not that screenwriters need help to get laid. We all know they have booty lined up around the block waiting for the chance. It's that they're too busy creating mind-blowing make believe worlds to notice said booty, and simply reach out and squeeze what's bouncing right in front of them.
So lets force a holiday in their honor down their throats.
But why fete screenwriters on an international level? It's not like they've done anything spectacular for the world, right? Wrong.
Here are six reasons why screenwriters deserve a holiday. Read. Soak them in. Be humbled by their selfless sacrifices.
1 - Screenwriters slave away in isolation for months and sometimes years solely for your pleasure.
It's true. Think about your favorite movie, whatever it is, and I guarantee you, long before the cast was set and the cameras started rolling, there was at least one screenwriter in week-old underwear waging epic battles with story problems while cultivating ulcers, and surviving on nothing but vices that will surely lead to premature death, simply so that you could one day repeatedly misquote their dialogue in an attempt to pick up chicks.
2 - Screenwriters reflect and heal.
Screenwriters take all of your quirks, all of your secret shames, all of your weaknesses, and all of your issues (even those you pretend you don't have except at 3am when they threaten to reduce you to a pile of quivering drool), and blow them up larger than life on the big screen. And they do this so that you, sitting in the audience, can be touched by their work, can know that you're
human and connected to the bigger universe, can know that you're not nearly as pathetic as that guy up on the screen so maybe there's hope for you yet, and, damn it all, can know THAT YOU'RE NOT ALONE in this miserable existence. And you get all that for the lowly price of admission. It's
a lot cheaper than a shrink.
To do this, screenwriters have to literally tear their psyches apart. They can't just know the quirks and secret shames and issues. They have to live with them 24/7. And not just their own issues. They take on anything and everything, no matter how twisted, to deliver depth to their work. For you. Imagine living for months with nothing but the worst parts of you without slitting your wrists. That's what they do.
3 - Screenwriters unify.
Very few things have the power to bring people from all walks of life together like a good story. Books don't do it, because they alienate a huge chunk of idiots who don't read. But movies? Movies have the power to bring anyone together. Jocks, academics, hot chicks, geeks, emos, skanks, librarians, potheads, politicians, and nuns can all laugh and cry together over great movies. And behind every great movie is a screenwriter.
4 - Screenwriters get you laid.
There's a reason 'dinner and a movie' is the dating standard. It works.
5 - Screenwriters are your true best friend.
Forget the guy down the street who buys you beers but disappears the moment you bring up vaginal discharge. Screenwriters are there for you through all of life's ups and downs. They give you something to talk about on your awkward first dates. They give you hours of endless fighting over action versus comedy. They give you decent stuff to turn up really loud at 3 AM to cover the sounds of the baby screaming bloody murder so the neighbors won't think you're killing your own flesh and blood and call the cops. They give you an escape from your pending divorce. They boost your ego by serving you characters that make your mediocrity look downright awesome. They make you believe you can be more than you currently are.
6 - Screenwriters really need a reason to shower.
With all they've done, you'd think screenwriters would occasionally take a break and pat themselves on the back. But they don't. That would require taking time away from writing. As would showers. And sleeping. And eating.
Needless to say, they don't get out much. Pressure on an international level from an event honoring them might just do the trick. Anyone who lives within 50 feet of a screenwriter will thank you for your participation, and the Los Angeles air quality will be much improved.
See? Screenwriters are truly forgotten heroes. It's time to celebrate their countless contributions to society. Grab a screenwriter and show them just how much you appreciate them by participating in International Sleep With A Screenwriter Week. Trust me, you'll thank me for it. And want to celebrate it again and again. With toys. And leather.
(Okay, so I know that not everybody on the planet knows a screenwriter well enough to sleep with them no matter how great their contributions to society are, but International Buy A Screenwriter A Cup Of Coffee Week just doesn't have the same ooomph. But coffee works too. As do drinks.)
Spread the word, and let's finally give screenwriters the accolades they deserve.
pic by sunsurfr